Holidays

This IS My Family Now

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Recently there was a post on one of the Widow/Widower Facebook groups I belong to about Christmas cards. The person was asking if anyone else despised receiving “happy family” cards this time of year when his/her family wasn’t happy due to the loss of a parent. I read and reread the post and I’ve thought a lot about that topic lately. Here is what I know for sure.

This IS my family now, the three of us, a mom and 2 crazy kids. It is not the family situation I thought I was signing up for- not even a little bit-but it is the one God has blessed me with and I’m proud of us.

Last fall (2016) at the urging of my teenager, the three of us took family pictures. We were 2.5 months out from the loss of Patrick and to say it was hard would be a MASSIVE understatement. However, we took those pictures and they were beautiful (thank you Sarah). The beauty in the photos had zero to do with how we looked and everything to do with what the pictures represented. They represented the reset of our family. The beginning of us as a unit of 3. The initiation of single parenthood and all it brings to the table. (You single or former single parents are giving an Amen right now…I hear you).

I have my favorite picture from that photo session blown up in black and white above our mantel and I look at it daily. In it, I see a little boy who is 3 and has his fingers laced through mine. He is still too little to truly understand the depth and breadth of what happened to him. However, he knows his Mommy and sister love him fiercely and would do anything possible to love him through his pain. This boy will become so funny and learn so many new things in his upcoming year. He will lighten and brighten the days of his mother and sister. He will remind them to not get too bogged down in life’s messes.

I see my amazing daughter in that photograph. She will take the loss of her Daddy and model grace and strength that will amaze me. This girl will use dance to channel her grief and will test her mother while at the same time sharing the responsibility that will come her way due to the enormous shift in her life. A girl who will push through a tough schedule with amazing grades and a wicked sense of humor. A girl who is moving through the difficult stages of becoming a woman yet will lead her mother to more than a few late night belly laughs.

I look into the eyes of that broken 39 year old woman. Her face is smiling but her eyes are still so sad. She is wearing a bracelet- “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” She has done all those things (many of them not well but they happened) and a few things she never dreamed she’d do. This broken woman in that picture will fall apart and put herself back together so many times in the upcoming year that some people won’t recognize the person she will become. She will change and grow and evolve.

Those three people in the photograph hanging over my mantle are my family now. I sent them out on Christmas cards last year and this Christmas I sent cards with pictures of the three of us from our summer Disney Cruise. You know why? Because I’m proud of us- proud of of our messes, melodramas, mayhem and missteps. I’m proud of the laughter, love and lessons. I’m proud of the miles driven, meals eaten, events planned and new traditions we’ve made.

I responded to that post on my Facebook group very simply. “I choose to smile at all the cards I receive because someone cared enough to send them. I too sent cards both years post loss because this IS my family and I’m darn proud of us. We are pretty amazing.”

~I dedicate this post to my blessings- Morgan and Parker. May God continue to bless our family and wrap his loving arms around you as you grow. ~

Grace, Gratitude and Being Overwhelmed

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Ahhh November- a time for giving thanks and counting your blessings. In addition (at least for me) it’s a time for being overwhelmed, over tired, over stressed and overly worn. The past couple of weeks I’ve looked up a couple of times to see if there was a camera crew filming me. You know, to see if and when I would finally crack. (I did, it wasn’t pretty and I think I’ve apologized to everyone who got a piece of that mess…again…so sorry.)

I’m definitely a work in progress. Someone I love dearly told me recently that I’ve “come so far” in the way I handle my solo parent/working Mom life without “falling apart” like I used to. I’ve thought about that a lot and I truly struggle to see this progress. I know I’m my own worst critic and as I’ve written before, giving myself grace and understanding is a mighty struggle.

There is a pressure that comes with this life that is hard for some to understand. It’s not just the sheer exhaustion that comes from being 100% responsible for the care, food, clothing, shelter and transportation for two other lives. It’s the overwhelming pressure of being responsible for raising both of my children to be kind, loving, independent, socially responsible, free thinking humans who show God’s love in how they live their lives. It’s ALL ON ME and many days it’s a mighty weight on my small frame.

I don’t suppose that heaviness will ever truly go away. This is my life and I accept that it was and is part of a plan I can’t truly understand this side of heaven. My only option is to continue to do the work to manage the pressure. To pray and read and be still (so very hard for me). To take care of myself. To ask God to give me enough light to see the path ahead of me and to make the next decision the best I can.

I am striving to be overwhelmed with gratitude rather than stress when things go haywire and life takes an ugly turn. To be thankful for the journey I’ve been on and the one still ahead of me. I’m thankful for the past, for the battles, for the slivers of hope and for the rebirth of me. I’m thankful I get to breathe in and out and raise my kids. I’m thankful for a multitude of family and friends who build me up and encourage me. I’m thankful for second chances and my Chapter 2. Finally, I’m overwhelmingly thankful for the peace, grace, provision and unconditional love of my Heavenly Father.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~Melody Beattie

I Can’t be a Daddy (no matter how hard I try)

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With Father’s Day fast approaching I’ve once again started wrestling with something I thought I had moved past about 6 months ago.  I. Can’t. Be. A. Daddy.  I am single mother and my children are fatherless.  This reality still hurts me deeply and brings tears to my eyes even now as I’m typing.

For months after my husband died I rumbled and wrestled with the unique feelings that come when you suddenly have fatherless children.  I had done everything the way I was supposed to…right?  I married a wonderful man and loved him dearly.  We had 2 great kids together and raised them in a happy, loving, Christian household.  My husband was an amazing father who always put the needs of our family above everything else (even college football and basketball).  He was a sports nut but he was even crazier about his kids.   How come MY kids had to lose their father??  Huh?  No fair…not what I signed up for thank you very much.  (This was semi-frequent routine at my weekly counseling sessions for months.  It was a long, slow path towards acceptance for me.)

Over time I came to understand that on this side of heaven, I will never understand why my loving God took my kids’ wonderful father.   For months I questioned…how can I be both Mommy and Daddy?  Then I realized…I CAN’T.  I can’t wrestle with my kids the way their Daddy did.  I can’t be the low, quiet voice of reason that my husband was with my daughter.  I can’t put my little boy on my shoulders and be too tall to fit through the doorway.  I can’t make the perfect cheesy eggs.  I’m not their Daddy.  I can’t be him and I can’t bring him back.  I also can’t spend my life angry with my God that he took this wonderful man from us.  None of that is productive or creates a joy filled family.

However, I CAN put family pictures all over the house, make photo books and tell countless stories.  I can cheer my kids on in an obnoxiously loud voice like I’m two people.  (Thank you Lord for my big mouth.)  I can plan awesome trips, cook special dinners and decide on a whim to go get ice cream even when it’s almost bedtime.  I can pitch baseballs, drive toy tractors and run around playing superheroes.  I can let my kids pummel each other in the living room and NOT tell them to “be careful.”  I can turn on Selection Sunday each March and fill out our family brackets.  I can take the kids to our college to tell them stories of their Daddy the football player.  I can surround my children with awesome male role models who provide a positive masculine influence.

I can never be their Daddy but I CAN be a rock star Mommy who prays hard, plays hard, tries hard, laughs hard and loves hard.  I can do all of this because I know that MY God is a father to the Fatherless (Psalm 68:5).

Happy Father’s Day to all!