I think I’ve started at least 10 sentences this week with the words “maybe in my next life.” You know “maybe in my next life I will be calm and not throw a toddler-like fit about all the broken stuff at my house.” Or “maybe in my next life I will not respond to teenage attitude with 40 year old sassy single mom attitude.” You know…stuff like that.

(To be clear, I don’t believe in reincarnation personally, although I find the whole concept interesting.)

I watch those “zen like” women who calmly go through life seemingly non reactive while carrying a nice purse that matches their outfit. I truly have the upmost admiration for those women. How does one get to that point at this stage of life? Was there a class I missed? Am I lacking a gene of some sort? Should I do more yoga and not just wear the pants?

You see I’m just not wired in that calm, zen way. I’m wired more like Big Thunder Mountain at Disney World- twisty, turning, hills and valleys, sheer joy all wrapped up in one wild (read crazy) ride. I feel things strongly- joy, pain, sadness, peace, injustice and oh yeah- irritation. I am passionate about the people and causes I care about and one never has to question where I stand. (If my lips aren’t moving just read my face. It’ll be right there.) I tend to insert my foot into my mouth entirely too often and SOMETIMES bad words sneak out, a little (or a lot).

I really try to be better. I do several devotions, read self help books, pray daily and still see my grief counselor (I’m fairly certain he entertains his other counselor friends with my bizarre, emotionally charged stories.) Despite all the intervention and attempts at being better- I’m still me- messy, talks to much, listens to little, me.

Joyce Meyer (who knows how to hit me right where it stings most mornings) says that we are all cracked pots. If you put light (God’s love) in a pot without cracks, no light shines through. However, as a cracked pot (oh how many, many cracks there are in this pot) I have a lot of opportunities to let God’s love shine. After my attitude adjustment, I can apologize to my teenager and model repentance and grace. After my hissy fit about heaters and garage doors I can push forward and get stuff done modeling perseverance and confidence in a better day. I can pray to be better, share my struggles and walk forward in faith.

I don’t get a next life, only this one and sadly I’m INCREDIBLY aware how short this life is. I am trying to embrace who I am, how God made me and be the best version of myself. I have come to accept that I’ll never be matchy purse, calm lady…I don’t think I have it in me. However, I can be messy me all the while trying to smooth out a couple of my rough edges.

“No better you than the you that you are” ~Alessia Cara