Ahhh November- a time for giving thanks and counting your blessings. In addition (at least for me) it’s a time for being overwhelmed, over tired, over stressed and overly worn. The past couple of weeks I’ve looked up a couple of times to see if there was a camera crew filming me. You know, to see if and when I would finally crack. (I did, it wasn’t pretty and I think I’ve apologized to everyone who got a piece of that mess…again…so sorry.)
I’m definitely a work in progress. Someone I love dearly told me recently that I’ve “come so far” in the way I handle my solo parent/working Mom life without “falling apart” like I used to. I’ve thought about that a lot and I truly struggle to see this progress. I know I’m my own worst critic and as I’ve written before, giving myself grace and understanding is a mighty struggle.
There is a pressure that comes with this life that is hard for some to understand. It’s not just the sheer exhaustion that comes from being 100% responsible for the care, food, clothing, shelter and transportation for two other lives. It’s the overwhelming pressure of being responsible for raising both of my children to be kind, loving, independent, socially responsible, free thinking humans who show God’s love in how they live their lives. It’s ALL ON ME and many days it’s a mighty weight on my small frame.
I don’t suppose that heaviness will ever truly go away. This is my life and I accept that it was and is part of a plan I can’t truly understand this side of heaven. My only option is to continue to do the work to manage the pressure. To pray and read and be still (so very hard for me). To take care of myself. To ask God to give me enough light to see the path ahead of me and to make the next decision the best I can.
I am striving to be overwhelmed with gratitude rather than stress when things go haywire and life takes an ugly turn. To be thankful for the journey I’ve been on and the one still ahead of me. I’m thankful for the past, for the battles, for the slivers of hope and for the rebirth of me. I’m thankful I get to breathe in and out and raise my kids. I’m thankful for a multitude of family and friends who build me up and encourage me. I’m thankful for second chances and my Chapter 2. Finally, I’m overwhelmingly thankful for the peace, grace, provision and unconditional love of my Heavenly Father.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~Melody Beattie